Dreaming for 2017

(I wrote this blog in 2 goes, a few weeks apart)

It’s a strange thing, the beginning of a new year, the end of another. Even though today is just another day, I’m prompted to reflect on the year that has been and dream for the year to come, to set goals for personal growth in various areas of my life. It’s a time of year, that at times I feel discouraged and at others bring great excitement and then others where neither is true. I have realised that I didn’t really dream about the new year last year. I can’t find any evidence of a list of goals which is unusual for me. I normally have something that I want to work on improving.

So I have no idea whether I achieved anything I set out to do in 2016, and honestly overall it was a bit of a blah year. I think perhaps the lack of vision for the future beyond university has held me back in other areas of my life. That’s something I never wanted during my medical degree. I can see how easy it is to just be swept off of your feet and end up just riding the wave of med school without much thought or regard for the rest of your life. I think this year just became about coping, keeping my head above water, not drowning in uni work, my own sorrows and loneliness that I experienced this year like no other in a very long time. I think there were better things I could have done to help myself in these areas that I just didn’t do. I knew I should, but I got to the point where I felt too snowed under to dig myself out again. I sit here now on the first day of 2017 and I don’t regret the decisions I made in the time, but I do look back and hope to learn from some of the so called mistakes that I did make particularly in the tough times.

Some things that I feel held me back in 2016:

• I isolated myself… a lot. I wasn’t coping, I was depressed, anxious and I hid from the world, my friends and my family. Not once have I voiced how I was actually feeling to anyone close to me except partially my best friend when we were out for coffee the one time I’ve seen her this year where I was so busy trying to hold back tears that I was distracted. Perhaps, reaching out for help sooner would have been ideal. I also accept that this year was particularly challenging on a practical level too and that played a major role in the way of feeling and the coping mechanisms I used
• I think the above one is the biggest ‘regret’ that completely ties into this one but I think I could have continued on my journey with God a little (ok a lot!) more. I think I only went to church a handful of times. Part of that was the isolation I mentioned above but part of that was fear. My relationship with God has taken a beating over the past few years and that is something I really want to pick up the pieces of and put back together however that looks for me over the next little while. I feel alive when I do connect and yet I still don’t prioritise my time well.
• I wish I sought out help when I needed. I tried to be strong for way too long. My housemate continues to tell me on occasion, “you seem happier”. I must have seemed unhappy before, and to be honest I was on many occasions and continue to be at times. Seeking help then would have perhaps, shortened the amount of ‘down’ time. Who knows?!

So dreams for 2017:

• I suppose to change the above things and just do a little better
• Not only survive med school, but thrive on the learning and discovering
• Make new friends, strengthen current friendships
• Be stronger, but also show the weakness when the time calls for it.
• This is a weird one, but I want to be able to cry tears. There were many last year but only in front of people when I felt I had a valid reason like my pop dying. And then, bam, when I least expected at inappropriate times
• Be assertive in placement, worry less
• Learn to deal with anxiety
• Be ok with not being perfect
• Find balance in life
• Study hard, but not too hard
• Pass phase 2 exams (17 weeks to go)
• Exercise, to release inner tension, to maintain fitness and as an outlet for everything
• Be a better person
• Grow. change. develop.
• Love.